


Overwhelmed

by olgushka



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Trench Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 12:05:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17324678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olgushka/pseuds/olgushka
Summary: Sometimes dealing with anxiety, fear of public speaking and trying to keep up with Tyler's ideas can be a little overwhelming.





	Overwhelmed

Josh holds the microphone in his hand, staring at the table in front of him. He taps his foot and prays to God that no one asks him anything. He tries to come up with some tricks to silence his brain, he tries to imagine how cool it would be if he had superpowers that would allow him to burn holes in everything he looks at.

A quiet laughter echoes around the room. The acoustics inside is terrible, the speakers are too loud and Josh’s ears ring. He swallows and glances at Tyler who explains something to a red-haired girl dressed like a bandito.

It still hard to believe how quickly people accepted all those changes, the new songs, the theme of the album, the new colors and style.

But even if the tour is going great and they play one sold-out concert after another, the amount of interviews and press conferences leaves Josh more anxious than ever. He doesn’t mind shows - he can hide behind the drums and hit them as hard as he can without interacting with anyone. Drumming is something he loves, something he’s passionate about, something that lets him get lost in his own world and stop worrying. It’s the part when he needs to talk to people that bothers him the most.

The new era, although brilliant and exciting, scares the life out of him. He tries to keep up with Tyler’s ideas, he tries to understand the whole concept of Dema but most of the time, he has no idea what the singer is talking about. And even if he gets the general vision, there’s a mental block that makes him unable to think deeper.

This is Tyler’s world. He created this universe, only he can fully understand it. _I’ve created this world to feel some control, destroy it if I want_ \- Tyler sings in _Bandito_ and it only proves Josh’s theory. This is Tyler’s statement: don’t mess with me, this is mine, I’m in charge of this world.

_Blurryface_? Josh could deal with it. But _Trench_ is a whole new level. It’s more advanced, more complicated, more complex.

Tyler kicks him under the table and Josh realizes that he spaced out again. Someone asks him a question about Bishops, they ask _why?_ and Josh’s mind goes blank. Why can’t they just ask him about his favorite food or a favorite song to play? Over the years he’s mastered talking about it to the professional level. But Bishops?

He tries to come up with a good answer but he doesn’t know _why_ , he doesn’t know the symbolics that well. _Tyler knows it, ask Tyler, why did you have to ask me?_ He stutters out a few words, not sure if anything he said makes sense. Tyler gives him a long look but it’s such a poker-face look that Josh doesn’t know if Tyler means _good job, bud, keep going_ or _dear God, stop embarrassing yourself_.

Eventually, Tyler takes over, quickly explaining the whole thing. He does it with such ease that Josh feels like an idiot. What if Tyler thinks that Josh is ignorant? What if Tyler thinks that Josh doesn’t care? The singer has tried to explain everything to him so many times but somehow, nothing ever stays in his mind.

His throat tightens and his chest hurts. Jim. He needs Jim. He discreetly looks aside but the dog is nowhere to be seen.

„One more question!” The host announces but Josh is already so out of it that he doesn’t hear what the fan asks about.

Tyler probably explains it as easily as everything else and the only thing that brings Josh back to reality again is a loud clapping. He’s free. He’s glad they took pictures with fans before their conference because right now he can get away from this mess and have his panic attack in peace.

He leaves the room first, frantically looking for anyone who took Jim. He finds him with one of the crew guys and takes the leash without a word, guiding the dog to his dressing room.

His breathing is already irregular when he locks the door behind them. He falls to the floor and his knees hit the hard surface but he doesn’t seem to register any pain. Jim quickly approaches him and climbs into his lap, pressing his wet, cold nose against the drummer’s cheek. Josh embraces him, running his fingers through the dog’s soft fur and letting out a sob when hot tears finally make their way down his cheeks.

There’s a short knock on the door before Tyler’s voice sounds behind his back.

„Josh?” He starts, stepping inside. He closes the door and Josh can hear the footsteps coming closer and closer. It makes him feel even more insecure. What if Tyler is here to yell at him? What if he came only to tell Josh how much of a failure he is? „Are you okay, man? You seemed kinda zoned out back there.” He asks and finally stops in front of Josh. He immediately gasps. „My God! What’s wrong?”

The only thing Josh responds with is a loud whimper. He squeezes his eyes shut and buries his nose in Jim’s neck but he doesn’t enjoy the company of the dog for too long because Tyler grabs Jim’s leash and gently pulls him back. He praises him for being a good dog before patting him in the head and sending him to lie down.

He pulls Josh to his feet and guides him to the couch. He squeezes Josh’s shoulder, trying to make eye contact with him but the drummer hangs his head so low that his chin almost touches his chest.

„Why are you crying?” Tyler asks, sitting next to him.

„Because I’m stupid.”

„You’re allowed to cry if something is bothering you. It’s not stupid.”

„No, Tyler. I’m stupid. _Stupid_.” Josh stresses, rubbing his eyes. „Unintelligent. Dumb. Dense. Slow.”

„Why would you say that?”

„Because it’s true.”

„You’re none of those things, Josh.” Tyler says softly, clearly confused by this whole situation.

„I am.” He argues. „And I’m sorry for being so messed up.”

And then, the wall breaks. Josh bursts into tears and ugly sobs start ripping through his chest. It’s not a few tears here and there - it’s a whole waterfall coming out of his eyes but he doesn’t even try to stop himself. He needs a release. He’s kept these feelings inside of him for too long, the stress and the nerves, the lack of sleep and the guilt.

Tyler pulls him closer to his side and wraps his arm around him. The small gesture is enough to provoke an even stronger emotional response and Josh doesn’t even try to cry silently anymore. He wails, pushing his face into the crook of Tyler’s neck and the singer starts hushing him, quietly whispering in his ear and rubbing slow circles all over his back.

Jenna chooses the same moment to walk into the room with a cheerful greeting and Josh tenses. Tyler doesn’t let him go – instead, he pulls him closer and sends his wife away.

„Is he okay?” Josh hears her asking. „Can I help?”

„He will be. Just make sure that no one bothers us for a while, please.”

„Of course. I’ll be in the room next door if you need me.”

When the door closes behind her, Tyler tries to change their position. It’s not easy since Josh doesn’t feel like cooperating but Tyler succeeds and lies back on the couch, pulling the drummer down with him. He creates a safe space for Josh, making him squeeze between his side and the backrest of the couch.

„I’m sorry.” Josh says quietly, trying to hold back his sobs but Tyler shakes his head.

„Don’t apologize, Josh. Just let it out. Let it all out, it will make you feel better.”

Josh rests his head on Tyler’s chest and continues crying silently. There are damp spots on the singer’s hoodie but Tyler doesn’t seem to mind. He takes Josh’s beanie off his head and starts playing with his short hair, gently scratching the spot behind his best friend’s ear. It’s soothing and distracting, so Josh tries to focus on the feeling instead of all the intrusive thoughts in his head and after a few minutes, he finally begins to calm down.

He wipes his face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt but doesn’t make any attempts to get up, trying to steal as much Tyler’s warmth as possible. He blinks a few times and takes a deep breath and Tyler tilts his head, trying to look at the drummer. Josh isn’t ready to look at him - he’s embarrassed - it’s been ages since he broke down like this in front of the singer, so he nuzzles his face against the material of the other man’s hoodie, blocking Tyler’s view with his hand.

„Don’t look at me.” He whimpers brokenly and a light sob shakes his body.

„Okay, I’m not looking.” The singer says, fixing his grip around Josh’s shoulders. The hand that’s been stroking his hair remains in the same spot, gently pulling on the longer locks every now and then. „Take your time. There’s no hurry. We can stay here as long as you need to.”

Josh doesn’t know how long they’ve been lying there before he calms down completely. He’s pretty sure that he fell asleep at some point because when he blinks, Tyler is holding his phone above his face, scrolling through the Instagram explore page and Josh can’t recall the moment when Tyler reached for his phone.

„I’m sorry.” Josh starts quietly. „I didn’t mean to-”

„It’s okay.” Tyler assures immediately, locking his phone and putting it away. „As I said: we’re gonna take all the time you need. And you were out for, like... ten minutes. No harm done. How are you feeling?” He asks but Josh only shrugs.

For a moment he wants to lie. He wants to laugh it off, tell Tyler that it was only a small insignificant breakdown and run as far as he can, pretending that nothing happened. But Tyler is not a fool so Josh decides to just do it: rip off the band-aid and be done with this conversation. _It’s Tyler, for God’s sake. He’s your best friend!_

„I’m not getting better, Tyler.” Josh says quietly, admitting his weakness. „I lied to you.”

Tyler tenses and Josh can imagine him frowning. He can’t bring himself to look up just yet.

„What do you mean?”

„My anxiety... It’s not- It’s gotten so much worse recently.” Josh says and his eyes start stinging again. He rubs his eyelids and tries to take a couple of deeper breaths. „I told you I’ve been doing better but it’s not true. I’m sorry, Tyler, I’m so sorry for hiding it from you. Every time we do an interview or... or a press conference, my anxiety shoots through the roof and I’m trying to push through, I really do! But I can’t and-”

„I’ve told you so many times that I don’t want you to do anything against yourself.” Tyler says but it comes out like an accusation, his tone more harsh that he intends to. He immediately apologizes for that after Josh tries to curl up in himself even more and finishes his thought in a gentler voice. „I’ve noticed that you’ve been more quiet recently but I had no idea it was that bad. You could just say, I wouldn’t make you do so many interviews all by yourself.”

„No, it’s okay. You need a break too sometimes. And I’m a big boy, I’m thirty, I should be over it.”

„It doesn’t matter how old you are, dude. Anxiety is not something you can get rid of with a snap of your fingers.”

Tyler’s hand travels to Josh’s face and rests on his cheek. He gently rubs his thumb on the delicate skin under Josh’s eye until the drummer covers Tyler’s hand with his own. He loves the feeling. He loves the attention he’s getting, loves how close they are.

Tyler is hope. Tyler is safety.

Tyler is also everything Josh is not.

„I’m sorry for being so useless.” He blurts out once his thoughts turn dark again.

He gasps when Tyler retreats his hand and starts squirming underneath him. _No, please... Don’t go! _Josh thinks but he also says it out loud and Tyler hushes him.__

__„I’m not going anywhere.” He promises but doesn’t stop moving. Before Josh can protest, Tyler quickly changes their position. Josh ends up on his back and Tyler rolls onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow and looking down at the drummer._ _

__„Tyler-” He whimpers, trying to hide his face behind his hands but Tyler quickly pushes them down and pins them against his stomach._ _

__„What’s bothering you, Josh?” He asks, keeping his gaze on the drummer’s face. „I know there’s something more. You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”_ _

__Josh nods. He hesitates for a few seconds before blurting words out with impressive speed._ _

„You’re so smart, Tyler. You’re so... _articulate_ and I can’t even say one sentence without stuttering like an idiot. I can't even follow a simple conversation!” He frees his hands and waves them around. „You’re so creative and you always have great ideas and I... I'm confused and distracted most of the time, I have a hard time focusing and staying on track. All of these, uhm, Dema things... I don’t know- When they ask me about it, I don’t know what to say. And I’m sorry!” He almost yells his apology and blinks quickly to prevent the tears from falling but one traitorous drop still escapes from the corner of his eye and makes its way down his cheek and temple to finally disappear somewhere near his ear. „I should know it, I should know how to explain it but then, no matter how many times I hear you say it, no matter how many times you explain it to me, I just can’t- It’s so hard to process it and my brain just turns off! I know it’s stupid, I’m- _I am_ stupid! And I don’t want you to think that I don’t care because I do! I love your ideas and the universes you create but sometimes everything is too overwhelming and I feel like... Like this is your world and I’m just some useless burden that constantly gets in your way, occasionally hits drums and does backflips off the piano but is too dumb to understand all those metaphors.” He says. „I’m just stupid. It’s stupid. I’m sorry.”

__When he stops speaking, he realizes how much energy this little speech has sucked out of him. His chest rises and falls with every breath he takes and his throat is dry, almost like he just ended running a marathon._ _

__Tyler is like a statue above him. He stares down at Josh, unmoving. He only swallows a couple of times before closing his eyes, taking a deep breath and clearing his throat._ _

__„Josh. How long have you been feeling like this?”_ _

_Years_ , Josh wants to say but keeps it to himself.

__„A while.” He ends up whispering._ _

__„Josh...”_ _

„You don’t have to say anything.” Josh says quickly. „I’ll be fine, I’ll- I’ll get over it, I’ll try harder, just please-” He stops. _Please what_? Please don’t kick me out of the band? „You know what? Just ignore me, we can forget about it, I’m-”

__He tries to get up but Tyler’s hand gently presses against his chest, making him lie back._ _

__„I didn’t know.” He says quietly._ _

__„I didn’t want you to know.” Josh admits, biting his lip and averting his gaze._ _

__„Why?”_ _

__„I thought you’d be angry at me.”_ _

__„Why would I be angry?”_ _

__„Because you always put your whole heart into creating. You create a whole new world and it’s always thought through, it always makes sense, every detail. And I can’t even repeat what you tell me.” He says. „I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about the message you’re trying to send or... or that I’m just using you or something like that.”_ _

__„I never did, I don’t and I will never think that, Josh.” Tyler says softly. Instead of restraining the drummer’s hands he releases them just to interlock their fingers a second later. „All of those negative thoughts is just anxiety talking, okay? Have you been taking your meds?”_ _

__„I- Yeah.” Josh nods, taking a shaky breath. „But I don’t think they work anymore.”_ _

__„That’s fine, don’t worry. Have you thought about changing them? Seeing your therapist again?”_ _

__„Yes. But, uh...”_ _

__„But?”_ _

__„I’m embarrassed.”_ _

__„You have no reason to be.” Tyler assures._ _

__„I do! I haven’t been there in a while and the last time she saw me I was doing much better and the pills were working and now I’m worse again, this is- I’m- I’m such a disappointment and every time I go there, I feel so humiliated because I’m old enough to be able to get a grip on my emotions and I still can’t, I still can’t-”_ _

__The tears and irregular breathing are there again but Tyler doesn’t panic. He calmly hushes Josh, wipes the wetness from his cheeks, holds his trembling hands, pets his hair. He promises that everything is okay, that no one will judge him for needing help and for a moment, Josh believes him. He would probably believe him even if Tyler said that water is dry._ _

__„Do you want me to schedule an appointment for you once we’re back home for a break?” The singer asks once Josh calms down again. He leans into the touch when Tyler’s fingers gently massage his scalp. „I can go with you if that would make you feel more confident.”_ _

__„You- You would do that?”_ _

__„Only if you want me to.”_ _

__„I’d like that very much.” Josh admits quietly, sniffling every now and then._ _

__„That’s settled then.” Tyler smiles and puts his hand under Josh’s stubbly chin to make him look up. „You’re amazing, okay?” He starts and when Josh shakes his head ready to protest, he quickly cuts him off. „You are. You’re not stupid, you’re not unintelligent. In fact, you’re very smart. Sometimes I get jealous because I feel like you know more than me.”_ _

__„I’m really not.”_ _

__„I could listen to you for hours when you talk about space and all those NASA stuff-”_ _

__„That’s not being smart, that’s being a nerd.” Josh mumbles._ _

__„Dude, you literally fixed my MacBook the other day.”_ _

__„That doesn’t mean-”_ _

__„You run the whole show by yourself!”_ _

__„You could do too, you know how it works.”_ _

__„Oh, my God! Will you stop putting yourself down!?”_ _

__„Sorry.” Josh whispers and his face falls again._ _

__„You’re so passionate about everything, you’re an amazing musician and the best friend I could ever ask for. Even if you talk slower and sometimes you stutter, then what? That’s not the end of the world.” Tyler says and looks at him with love._ _

__It reminds Josh of his mother who used to give him that kind of look every time they had their heart-to-heart conversations when he was younger. The look of faith and encouragement that kept him going through his teenage years when he was trying so hard to figure himself out._ _

__„I just don’t want you to think that I am ungrateful.” He mumbles._ _

__„Ungrateful? Because public speaking makes you nervous?”_ _

__„Because when people ask me things about the album, I don’t know what to say.”_ _

__„It doesn’t matter, Josh.”_ _

__„It does!”_ _

„It doesn’t.” Tyler smiles. „Because sometimes, I don’t know what to say either. Because sometimes, even I don’t understand everything I create. Our fans have a tendency to dig deeper than my imagination is able to reach.” He says and slides down, lying down again. Josh makes more space for him, rolling onto his side. They end up lying face to face and Tyler’s smile never leave his lips. „You knew _Blurryface_ inside out. _Trench_ is not much different.”

„There was only one main thing to remember. With _Trench_ , you went completely bonkers, man.”

__Tyler snorts and playfully flicks the tip of Josh’s nose, making him scrunch up his face._ _

„Maybe you’re just thinking too hard about all of this. You’re putting tons of unnecessary pressure on yourself and it makes you panic. When you let go and take it easy, the whole _Trench_ world is actually pretty awesome.”

__„You think so?”_ _

__„I know so. I’ve created it, silly.” Tyler laughs and throws his arm around Josh, pulling him closer. „Come here, my badass bandito.”_ _

__For a few minutes, they just lie there together without saying a word. But then Josh sighs and pokes the other man in the stomach._ _

„Tyler?” He starts shyly. „Can you explain _Trench_ to me again? It will be the last time, I promise. Some things still confuse me a lot.”

__„Right now?”_ _

__„No. Maybe later. Maybe tomorrow when my brain is not going in two thousand different directions at once.”_ _

__„Of course.” Tyler agrees. „We have a day off tomorrow. We can just get away somewhere, just you and me. We can drive to the beach and chill there for a while.”_ _

__„Don’t you have plans with Jenna?” Josh asks, feeling the pang of guilt. He never wants Tyler to feel like he’s obligated to drop the plans he’s made with his wife just because Josh feels miserable._ _

__„She will understand. She always does.” Tyler says. „Speaking of Jenna - are you hungry? I can text her so she can grab some food for us.”_ _

__„That would be nice.” Josh nods. Tyler grabs his phone and sends a quick text before putting in back in his pocket and continuing their cuddles. „Are we not getting up?”_ _

__„Dude, I’m so warm and comfortable. Until the food arrives, I’m not moving. Deal with it.”_ _

__„Fine by me.” Josh closes his eyes. „I missed this.” He admits quietly._ _

__„Do you want to sleep in my bunk tonight?” Tyler asks without hesitation._ _

__„Together?”_ _

__„No, Josh. You will sleep in mine and I will sleep in yours.” The singer sighs. „Of course, together.”_ _

__„What about Jenna?”_ _

__„She’s been bugging me for a while, saying that I’ve been neglecting you. I think she was right... So she will probably be satisfied with this arrangement.” Tyler says. „Honestly, Josh. I love you, man. And I want you to remember that if you ever want to talk, you can always come to me, no matter what time it is or what I’m doing. This agreement will never change. I never want you to keep all those feelings inside, okay? But we will talk about it later. Now, I want you to get as much rest as possible.”_ _

__„Thank you, Tyler.”_ _

__„Don’t mention it. It’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay.”_ _

Tyler places a kiss on his forehead and Josh closes his eyes. He stays in Tyler’s arms until Jenna bursts through the door, carrying a whole tray of food and yelling: _I have tacos for my favorite boys!_

__

__

__With such loving and understanding friends like Jenna and Tyler, Josh knows he will be okay. Even if it will probably take some time to get back on track, he knows that Tyler will always be there, like he’s been there for the last couple of years. Because he never throws empty promises. And Josh trusts him like nobody else._ _


End file.
